Mello's Guide to Girls
by SatreProxy
Summary: Matt needs some serious help with his love life. What better way then to ask Mello for advice? Ch. 5. Punishment: In which Matt completely fails. onesided MattxMello for now slight AU
1. Advice

This is my first fanfic, I humbly ask for you to read and comment, for I would like to know how I am doing

This is my first fanfic, I humbly ask for you to read and comment, for I would like to know how I am doing.

Reason number 215 why I don't own Death Note: Mello and Matt are not a couple.

It's written from Matt's point of view. That is all.

_**Mello's Guide To Girls**_

_**Phase 1**_

_**Chapter 1: **_

_**Advice **_

What's ironic is that Mello's always surrounded by girls. You'd think a guy who looks so much like the other gender wouldn't be able to get a date, but no. He has like 5 or 6 of them every night.

There must be something about running the Mafia that causes this abnormal phenomenon.

And, they're loud. Abnoxious actually. It's quite painful to sit on the couch and pretend you are super interested in your God of War PS2 game (a manly game) and not super jealous of those girls fucking your roommate.

Your straight roommate who you have to pretend you are indifferent to because otherwise he might kick you out for staring at his (georgeous) ass.

I mean, it's not my fault he wears such tight leather pants.

But I certainly don't want to end up outside (which is where Mello just might send me).

Because he's certainly not gay, if the screams of the girls are anything to go by. Transgender? I'll give him that. But I suppose it's not his fault he looks so much like a girl.

I blame his parents, whoever they are.

Which makes me remember to hope he can't read minds. Because otherwise, I'm so screwed. And not literally, either. Which sucks, because literally, well that would be amazing. (What, you thought I played Super Mario to look at Princess Peach?)

So I think Mello's getting slightly suspicious of my less than holy intentions. I just can't stop staring at him (What? Mario and Luigi just don't cut it). And I also seem to have a force field against members of the opposite sex.

Mello gives me shit for that sometimes. But normally I don't mind. I only need it as a cover to save my sorry ass from getting kicked to the curb if he finds out what exactly goes through my mind.

I don't see what his problem is. I mean, we can't all have 80 bajillion girls at our every call to have sex with whenever we want. (Not that I'm interested in that. I'm more interested in keeping him out of my room so he won't find the new Zac Efron poster I just put up).

I think it has something to do with being a mafia boss.

I desperately needed a cover (that wasn't mafia boss). Something that said, "I, Mail Jeevas, no, Matt, am completely straight and am in no way interested in my unbelievable attractive, leather wearing, blond bombshell roommate." Then I decided.

Girl advice. Mello would help me with girls (and I wouldn't have to waste time doing stupid shit climbing up the mafia ladder).

The only flaw in that plan was the actual girls. I'm not particularly interested in spending to much quality time with them, if you know what I mean. Some are cute, like that idol, Misa-Misa or something, but only from a distance.

But it would allow me to spend some time with Mello.

It was a trade off. But, would he buy it?

Good question.

Only one way to find out!

Plan Devised: Level up!-

Please comment!

Xoxo

SatreProxy


	2. Questions

Reason number 128 why I don't own Death Note: Matt does not get more than 12 seconds of actual screen time

Reason number 128 why I don't own Death Note: Matt does not get more than 12 seconds of actual screen time.

WOW! Thanks guys for all the reviews! (Not comments, haha). I never expected that anyone would actually read my (exceedingly awful) writing. So, here's the next chapter, to CELEBRATE! Haha.

_**Mello's Guide to Girls**_

_**Phase 1: **_

_**  
Chapter 2:**_

_**Question**_

So I was like, "Yo, Mello!" I lounged on the couch pounding buttons on my game-boy trying to look nonchalant. And, you have no idea how hard that is when your god of a roommate appears above you, his shining blond hair hanging down in your face.

No. Must not think about that. Concentrate on your game.

"Whatcha playin?" You. No, Matt, concentrate.

"Grand Theft Auto," Oh thank god for manly games. Thank god I'm not playing my recently purchased Secret Agent Barbie game.

Now that game is seriously legit. Fricken sick.

"Sweet," Mello took a bite of his chocolate. Damn, I wish I was that chocolate. No, Matt, focus! "S'up?"

"I need your help." Oh god, please let this work. Mello licked the chocolate bar, his tongue caressing the bite marks, lusciously covered in melting chocolate.

NO! Eating chocolate is not a sexual activity.

Yes it is. Chocolate syrup and whip cream. I could cover myself with melted chocolate (Ouch, HOT!) and Mello could lick it all off. FAST! He'd have to lick fast so I wouldn't get burned or anything.

"With what?" Mello took another bite of his chocolate. Keep focus, Matt. "Not your game, I hope." I shook my head.

"With girls." Several expressions flew across Mello's face. There was surprise (was I doing that bad of a job hiding everything?) shock, (was it really that odd to ask a roommate for romantic advice?) disbelief, (c'mon Mel, I'm not that transparent, am I?) and finally (was I imagining it?) unhappiness. Well, that was probably because….

Oh, wait, who am I kidding. Mello couldn't really care less. He wasn't unhappy. In fact, he would actually be pleased.

And I am not a lost cause. I can totally get a girlfriend.

Ew. Its all for you Mello, its all for you.

"Can you help me?" Can you fuck me? But no, I can't ask that. That would be stupid. Mello shrugged.

"Sure, if you want," he bit his chocolate again with a snap. Yum.

"So what do I need to do?" Mello paused for a second giving me an up and down look. Yeah, that's right, check me out. I'm so damn hot even you, Mello, won't be able to resist me. Uhhuh! Keep looking.

Ok, so it was more of a passing glance. He definitely wasn't checking me out. But still, his lingering look, the intensity in his eyes gave me shivers and butterflies in my stomach.

That's what this whole plan is about anyway.

"I've never seen you pick up a girl before," Well, no shit. That's why I'm asking for help.

Mello gave me a slightly puzzled look that asked, why now?

"Not for lack of trying," I responded smoothly. Lie. I don't try. Why would I bother? I don't even like girls. I like Mello. Who, despite his looks it thoroughly male. I can attest to that, though Mello certainly wouldn't want to remember.

Oh, it had been a master production. And he had no idea…

But that's another story.

"Well, we'll go somewhere tonight. You can try and I will… observe the situation."

Lie. I could hear it in Mello's voice. We would go out, he would get wasted, and pick up chicks and I would be left alone.

Oh, what the hell. It would be almost like a date.

Almost.

"Sure," I shut off my game. I liked Super Mario better anyway.

Mello smirked.

"What?" I raised my eyebrow. His expression turned indignant, his eyes narrowing seductively. Although, I'm sure that wasn't the look he was going for.

"Shower and change. Girls like it when you smell good."

Yesh. I need a nice cold shower after that look anyway.

Level Up!: Shower Time! –

I don't suppose anyone wants to be Matt's first "victim". If you want to be, leave your name and eye and hair color.

Review!

Xoxo

SatreProxy.


	3. C Words

Reason number 117 why I don't own Death Note: Near

Reason number 117 why I don't own Death Note: Near. 'nuff said.

Oh, and if you reviewed and you're not in it, never fear! Matty-kun's gonna need more than one try!

I am simply shocked by the amount of reviews on the last chapter. So much so, that I am sorry for the paltry filler-like quality of this chapter. (The next one will be better, I swear!) it's just our Matty-kun was a bit worse off then we thought and Mello had a bit of extra advice to lend out.

_**Mello's Guide To Girls**_

_**Phase 1: **_

_**Chapter 3:**_

_**C Words**_

Mello had okayed my car.

"Chicks dig nice cars," he had said. That would explain why I was allowed to drive it.

"Your bikes not bad," I refrained from adding its damn sexy on that sentence. No need to insinuate I was daydreaming about riding behind Mello on his bike, my arms wrapped around his slender waist, my chest pressed against his back…

Mello gave me an odd look.

"I'd take it," he snapped off a piece of his chocolate, "But the whole point of this excursion is so you can get laid." He raised his eyebrows. "Now, explain to me how you're gonna get her back to the apartment if she can't ride with us?"

Damn. He's got me there. That is an excellent question. I told him so. He glared at me pointedly.

Yes, Mello, I want to suck your dick.

Of course, that's missing the point. Mello tapped his chocolate bar against his lips.

"But aren't you planning on brining someone back too?"

SCORE! Matt makes a comeback!

Mello shook his head. Wait… WHAT?

"You're not gonna get anyone tonight anyway." Wow, Mel, way to have confidence in me. Though, he's probably right. But regardless, it means we are going to ride together! In my car!

And when he leaves, my car will retain his smell, which is so uniquely Mello. Oh, wait, what am I saying?

It's a car. We're going to be riding in a car together. Do you know what people do in cars?

They totally throw-down and have wild passionate sex in the backseat. Multiple times.

What they do in Titanic! And, come to think of it, in Grand Theft Auto you can pick up whores and the whole car shakes.

Its totally subliminal messaging. Mello wants me.

"Get in the car," he'll purr in a sexy seductive voice. I'll climb in the passenger seat, and press my lips against his. He'll gasp,

"Get in the damn car, Matt!" and stick his hand under my shirt gently caressing my stomach. We'll fall back into the back and become tangled in between the seats. I'll moan and he'll whisper,

"C'mon Matt, we're not getting anywhere just standing here. Get in the fucking car."

WAIT! Rewind. WHAT?

Mello glared.

"Are we doing this or not? Get in the damn car."

Oh, the club. Right. I got in the car.

"Finally," Mello muttered as we sped away. Luckily I'm a sic driver. I (did not) blush. Mello flipped down the mirror and casually fixed his hair.

Not that it needed it. It was already perfect. I mean, if he really wanted I could mess it up for him. So… I cleared my throat.

"So, any advice?" before I plunge headfirst into the totally terrifying, mind-numbingly unattractive girls who were not Mello. Mello looked at me.

Eyes on the road, Matt.

"Have confidence. Confidence attracts the ladies. And, be smooth," he looked away.

Aye, smooth. I could do that. I slammed on the brakes. I DIDN'T hit anything. Mello glared, biting his chocolate.

Right, smooth. Got it. I cut the engine and got out of the car. Mello got out his side and walked over to stand next to me.

Oh, it would be so easy to take his hand and pull him back into the car.

"Ok, Matt, see her?" he leaned toward me and pointed to a girl with dark blond hair standing outside the neon lit clubs. I nodded. "Try and pick her up." I blinked at him. Seriously? Well, if Mel wanted me to then… I went up to her.

"Yo." I heard Mello burst into laughter behind me.

Not a good sign. No, have confidence Matt. Confidence attracts the ladies (or so Mello says). I puffed out my chest in a manly way. Mello dissolved into howling laughter behind me.

Breathe, Mello breathe.

"I'm Matt," I said to her.

"I'm Jen," she replied. I turned around and looked at Mello who stopped laughing long enough to give me an odd look.

"What?" I yelled to him. "What now?"

I thought Mello was going to explode. And not the good-warm-happy-I-love-you-Matt-you-make-me-so-hot explode either. It was the OMG-Matt-you-suck-at-life explode.

Well, that's not a good sign.

There was another noise as Mello literally exploded.

"Nothing, now."

Aw shit. She left. So much for attempt number one.

Mello slapped his hand on my shoulder.

"Dude, you need some serious help."

-Level up!: Conversation!-

So…. Does anyone know any good pickup lines?

Xoxo

Satre Proxy


	4. Pickup Lines

Reason number 234 why I don't own Death Note: Near still hasn't gotten together with Linder

Reason number 234 why I don't own Death Note: Near still hasn't gotten together with Linder.

I apologize for the long intro, but I've got a bunch of people I need to thank.

First off, thanks to everyone who gave pickup lines (especially, Moriko220)! I wish I could use them all, but I can't. This chapter's already long as it is.

Second, to Mitchy, for informing me that I didn't accept anonymous reviews. I do now!

And now, on with the chapter.

_**Mello's Guide to Girls**_

_**Phase 1: **_

_**Chapter 4: **_

_**Pick-up Lines**_

So after that failure with Jen, (and by failure, I mean EPIC failure,) Mello pulled me aside to berate my unskillfulness. Which I digress.

I am very skilled. Just not a picking up girls.

I ended up tuning him out. Partially. After, "Matt, you suck at life, maybe this was a mistake, blah blah blah…"

Shut the fuck up, Mello. At least you got a good laugh out of it.

Then he started in on something useful. I'm not gonna lie, the art of conversation (which apparently is where is suck the most) is very difficult. I mentioned this to Mello. He bit his chocolate and smiled. Smiled! At ME! For the first time this evening (when he's not laughing hysterically, that is) he smiled at me.

"They have special things for situations like that."

Yes. Sex toys.

I cocked my eyebrow and Mello gave me a DUH! Look.

"They're called pickup lines," he informed me.

Oh really. I had nooo idea.

I did. Slightly.

So then, Mello proceeded in walking me through a wide variety of lines, that apparently varied according to situation and sincerity.

I think I'm gonna need some practice.

On Mello.

But I'm not stupid enough to tell him the last part. Knowing him, he'd have no qualms about stealing my car and leaving me here.

And then I'd be totally screwed (and not in a good way) because then I'd have to pick up a girl so I could get a ride home (and who knows how successful that would be) because if I came home with a guy then Mello would really know something was up.

That would really suck.

Mello was like, "Ready?" I replied with a resolute nod and we headed into the dim interior of the club.

Did I mention Mello was beside me?

All I'd have to do would be to reach out and take his hand and we'd run off into eternal bliss.

No, Matt. Focus. I shook my head vigorously. Mello gave me a look.

"Be smooth," he whispered.

Ok. Screw the hand plan.

We rounded the corner. In the dim light, with my dark clothes, watching the scantily clad girls pass, I felt like a spy.

Secret Agent Matt and his promiscuous partner, Secret Agent Mello to the rescue!

Fighting crime by day, making love by night.

Sweet.

Mello touched my arm lightly.

Oh my- Kira!

I think I just had a heart attack.

"Her." Mello pointed to a girl with brownish red hair standing a few feet away. I looked at him and nodded.

Secret Agent Matt, GO!

"Hey," I said smoothly to the girl. (Yo equals no go. I'm apparently not going for the gangst-ah type vibe.) She turned to me and smiled.

"I'm Sara. You are?" Fake name! I need a fake name! She could be a demon girl trying to eat me!

"I'm Matt," I replied.

Ok. Time to put Mello's teachings to work.

"I like your outfit." I hoped my gaze was appraising.

"Really?" She looked at me funny. I took a deep breath.

"It would look great on my floor."

"AH!" her mouth dropped open and she walked away. I ran my hand through my hair. Ok, well, not my problem if she doesn't want to get laid. I made my way back to Mello's side.

He looked at me.

"How'd it go?"

I shrugged. I mean, I'm not gonna come out and tell him that I suck at it.

That would be like admitting I suck in bed.

Which, I might. I may need to practice that a bit.

"That good, huh," Mello bit his chocolate. He looked at me, a bit disinterestedly. "Just loosen up and be natural. You'll get better. Now go practice," he shooed me away.

Practice my ass.

Actually, good plan. Get over here, Mello.

"Hey, I'm Miranda," a girl with light brown hair and hazel eyes came up to me.

WAIT, seriously? Be cool, Matt. This is your big chance. Snag her and impress Mello.

"I'm Matt," she put her hand on my shoulder.

"You're pretty cute." Cute?

Was she high? Mello is cute. I'm a sexy man beast.

"I'm not cute," I informed her. I lowered my voice slightly.

You know. To be more secret agent like.

"Then what are you?" I thought for a moment.

Be natural.

"I'm a computer game," I said matter of factly. She moved closer. "You can play me all night long."

"Oh, really?"

Was this seriously working?

I never expected Mello to be telling the truth when he said this would work…

"Would you like a drink?" I took her hand and led her to the bar. I glanced over at the table where Mello was sitting.

Was, being the keyword.

That little bastard snuck out on me.

Miranda put her hand on my face and turned it back toward her.

"You looking for someone?" I shook my head. "Cause I know another girl you might like. If you don't mind sharing, that is."

I think my brain is dying.

And where the fuck is Mello?

"I don't like sharing." My PSP.

You, I'll cut you into a bazillion pieces and share you with the whole world.

"Hey, Miranda."

"Hey." Go with her. "Meg, have you met Matt?"

Fuck my life. She's coming over. She batted her eyelashes at me.

I hope they fall off.

"I have now. My name's Meg," I swallowed.

Suck it up. What if Mello comes in?

"I'm Matt," Meg leaned across my lap, her blond hair brushing my legs. She grabbed a straw form the cup and opened it with her teeth.

I should learn how to open condoms with my teeth.

That is a sexy man beast move.

Smooth, very smooth.

"You remind me of Tetris, you always want the long ones." Meg stared for a moment before realizing the comment was directed toward her.

She took her soda and dumped it on my head.

Um, Cold? I had no need for that. Miranda is enough to keep away dirty thoughts about Mello.

C'mon now, seriously.

"You jerk!"

Overreaction much?

"I don't even know you! Is that all guys think about, sex?"

Yes. But not with you.

She threw her cup at me and stormed away. Miranda gave me a look and followed what's her face.

I blinked at them.

That's right. You just can't handle my man beastlyness.

My cold, sticky man beastlyness.

Well at least Mello didn't just see that.

Oh, wait, shit.

Maybe he did.

Shit.

He's coming over here.

-Level up!: More Practice!-

That was remarkably fun to write! Thanks to everyone's help, I have so many pickup lines and victim's I have no room for them all! So, maybe there will be a bonus chapter with just Matt and bad pickup lines. So keep your eyes out for that.

What'd you think?

Xoxo

SatreProxy


	5. Punishment

Hi everyone.

I know it's been a long time.

I just found the notebook this story was written in. Although it's slightly out of date, I figured I might as well post up the next chapter and see what happens.

Reason number 300 I don't own Death Note: Matt is never shirtless.

Now, without further ado!

**Mello's Guide To Girls**

**Phase 1**

**Chapter 5: **

**Punishment**

Shit.

Shit.

I have to run. I have to get out of here. I can't let Mello see me like this.

Or... Wait-

I'm sticky. And wet... I'm very very dirty. I need to be cleaned.

You know what that means?

"W-we should go now," I stuttered. Two reasons- partially because Mello's gorgeous form was now in front of me... partially cause it's rather chilly standing drenched in ice cold soda. Also, I really do think we should go home.

To my bedroom...

To SHOWER SEX! Don't want to ruin my new silk sheets.

I can see it now.

I'm covered in sticky soda an Mello comes over.

"Here, let me help you with that," his tongue laps at the back of my neck as his hand slides my shirt up.

"Let's get you in the shower, Matt."

Wait- What? I blink back to reality.

Damn it.

Even fantasy Matt knows when it's not reality. Got to work on that. Total immersion, that's the key. Total immersion.

Mello is standing in front of me, a bemused expression on his face.

"You won't pick up any girls covered in soda. Let's go home and get you in the shower. You need everything going your way, Matt."

Fail. Failure. No girl... YES!

This means I can come back to the bar with Mello tomorrow. And... And, we'll ride in my car again.

"Oh, wait two seconds. I've got a chick I've got to grab."

Typical.

Mello crossed the room in a few quick strides. I watched his ass shake.

What was my beloved doing?

No!- Mello!- Stop!- Come back!

A girl. Obviously. He can't fail.

Sigh.

He is the master, after all.

What did I expect? He obviously wouldn't have left the bar without a girl.

Ugh. And here he comes smirking slightly. I can almost imagine that smirk is for me...

His arm is around my shoulder,

"You did horrible tonight. Do you know what that means?"

I can barely whisper back, my mouth is so dry.

"You've been a bad boy and you need to be punished."

The chocolate melts around his lips as he finishes crossing the room back to me.

"This is Sarah," he introduces the brown haired girl.

Yes.

Punish me.

But not like this!

-Achievement Unlocked!: Participation Points!-

Please review, comment, etc.

XOXO,

SatreProxy


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